“Light and darkness create an opposition, yet depend on each other just as the step taken by the right leg depends on the step taken by the left.” – Sekito
Last week was a real struggle; I thought I was doing OK, and I was on a bit of an upward roll; but then the wheels completely fell off.
When this happens it is like a high speed crash, you hit rock bottom with a spectacular thump, and literally have to scrape yourself up off the floor.
So what happened? What went so terribly wrong?
The truth is, I don’t really know, and that is the frustrating part of it. I had run out of medication on Friday which never helps. While I hate taking it I can definitely see a difference when I don’t have it. I also felt that my mind was full of so much energy, but it was all negative, it was like all of my thoughts were in a washing machine on full spin. I couldn’t control my thoughts or my emotions, and that is when it gets really scary, more so for Kim than me.
My biggest problem is that I have lost direction in my life; my purpose seems to have packed it’s bags as well, and I am finding it difficult to cope.
I have ideas and dreams but it takes so much energy to go for them that I just get exhausted; my guard goes down and all the negative thoughts take their chance to creep in and start a rave. At this point nothing is right, nothing will work, I’m stupid, I’m useless and a complete waste of space and the world would be better off without me in it.
When it gets this bad I generally head to bed. This is partly because it is a safe place for me, but I also feel it removes me from the world, and I can’t do any damage if I am hidden away.
I hate who I am sometimes, especially when I struggle to control my emotions; I feel angry a lot of the time, and far too often I take it out on Kim and Leo which makes me hate myself even more. Kim has so much to deal with at the moment, and the last thing she needs is me blowing up at the smallest thing.
The anger can make way for rage, which is generally when my body shuts down and I start to panic. It is the worst feeling in the world, I just snap at the smallest things. I used to be so laid back; what the hell happened?
The weekend was when it all came to a juddering halt and I returned to the dark places I used to be in.
On Sunday we took Leo for a walk and he got a seed burr on his face. Kim and I had been chatting about things and I could feel myself getting angry and anxious because of what we were talking about. When we got home I did not feel great but I decided to try and brush the burr out of Leo’s fur; he is not the best at being brushed at the best of times and he can get a bit snappy if he is feeling stressed (wonder who he learnt that from???); we were doing ok until at one point I must have pulled some fur out and made him bleed. I fell to bits, I had hurt our boy!
I had a massive panic attack and curled up on the kitchen floor and burst into tears. There was nothing Kim could do to snap me out of it. My world literally crashed around me.
Kim had to call her friend Tracy to help get Leo to the emergency vet, while I lay on the kitchen floor, aware of what was going on but completely unable to move or speak; I felt paralysed. Finally I managed to literally drag myself upstairs to bed.
Luckily Leo was fine; the vet managed to cut the burr out, which was really tangled in his fur and there was no gaping bloodied wound that I imagined I had created.
Anxiety and depression are all consuming, and a lot of the time I struggle to see where the end is, and how I will be able to keep coping with it.
I want to earn some money in order to help take some pressure off Kim and also to try and get some sense of purpose back. This is where I really struggle and am often at a complete loss. I can’t do what I was doing; because the triggers are too great and I cannot risk getting back into an environment that caused this in the first place, even looking at job search websites freaks me out, and despite all of the disability discrimination legislation who is really going to take a risk on someone who has severe anxiety and depression and been out of work for 3 years?
One of my biggest fears is not being able to do something and letting people down. I have made real progress over the last few months and I am terrified to do something that sets me back again.
I want to follow my passion but I keep asking myself why would someone give me the chance I need? I would love to earn money from writing, but my experience in this area is zero.
I try to keep going forward a step at a time, it just feels that the steps backwards are massive in comparison and it takes a lot just to get back to where I was each time; having the energy to keep going is one of the biggest challenges I face on a daily basis.
At the moment I need to accept where I am, and who I am, and try to deal with it every day. Luckily the anger never manifests into any physical danger, it is just verbal, and if it gets too much my body seems to shut down so I can’t move.
The past holds so many demons for me, and no matter how hard I try, I find it difficult to break free from those dark shadows. I feel that I just need that one break, that one chance that will give me the confidence to keep going.
I am back in counselling, which is great; I really miss the sessions with Donna, but my new therapist, Vicki, seems really nice and I am looking forward to working with her to try and sort my head out (I don’t think she realised what she was letting herself in for!!!).
The good news is that I’m back on the drugs and they are working…. and I am working my way back up the hill again.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.