At the moment everything feels like a massive challenge. Having to make major changes to your life is bloody difficult at the best of times however, when the changes are forced and not really of your doing, it makes it even tougher to come to terms with.
I have tried to keep myself calm and relaxed by keeping busy, but I find the constant barriers I face have a really negative effect on my mood and how I feel about myself and my capabilities. The speed of progress is painfully slow and this dents my motivation to a point where I just want to sit in a dark room and watch TV.
“Sometimes, I feel like one who is on the sidelines, who has missed life itself.”
– Nelson Mandela
I feel as though the world is going on around me and I’m just stood watching. I want to get off the sidelines and into the game, but there is so much to contend with. My confidence is shot to pieces, I don’t even know if I can play the game anymore; I don’t even know what game I am meant to be playing.
The engine is seriously running out of fuel, and that’s where the treacle comes into it; just trying to do anything seems to take so much effort.
It’s like being stood in front of a huge pile of dirt and being told to move it with your bear hands; you start off thinking ‘I can do this’ but after a while you start asking yourself, ‘why am I doing this?’ and ‘what is the fucking point?’
Like I said, there is so much I want to do, and that may be part of the problem; I dream big and constantly have to reel my imagination in. I wrote down all my big plans yesterday and it made quite a list:
Write two books:
Adventures of an Anxious Mind – the story of the challenges I am setting myself.
Unravelling the Anxious Mind – My journey of understanding and living with anxiety and depression.
I know with these two that they are massive challenges, and will take time, but the voice of doubt, the demon of depression whispers in your ear “where is the money going to come from while you are messing around with this? Great, you get them done, and then you have to get them published…… ha ha ha ha ha!!!
And Breathe Blog:
I love this blog, and it has been a great help to me; but sometimes I just feel that it is going nowhere. I even struggle to know what to write half the time.
Demon says there are millions of people trying to write blogs, so what makes yours so special? As for monetising it….. Ha ha ha ha….!
Adventures of an Anxious Mind:
This is probably the biggest source of frustration because this is all about raising awareness of mental health issues, and fundraising for Mind. The biggest hurdle is money; in particular lack of it.
In order for the adventures to really mean something, and to get me out there meeting the people and the organisations I want to, they need to be big; and that costs money.
So many people are raising money for charities; just running a few races isn’t that special….Demon says I’m always aiming too high.
Talks & Presentations:
I want to take my experience of living with anxiety and depression into schools and businesses; I want to do talks that will educate people on preventative measures, and also help those who are suffering in silence.
Really? Who wants to listen to you talk? Mocks the demon.
Yep, the big one…. Completely mad I know, and as a one-man band I am like a bug with nowhere to hide, far too easy to squash.
My frustration here is that I have written to charities to see if I can get involved; the response was pretty depressing… So far I tried three of the main mental health charities, one replied saying sorry, the other two haven’t even acknowledged my e-mails.
OK, now you’re really in dream world, says the demon in my head, laughing wildly.
The battles I have in my mind are pretty epic; I can talk myself up and get all excited about an idea, and then pull it all to pieces. The problem is that my mind keeps coming up with new ideas; I have had to change and re-frame everything so many times I feel like it has been through a shredder and I have no chance of putting it together again.
I know I have had successes, and little wins, and I am constantly aware that my moaning and gnashing of teeth makes me feel like an unappreciative brat. Someone’s always worse off than yourself, and all that.
My mind is constantly split between my emotions and logic to the point where I start doubting myself; I know companies get lots of sponsorship requests, I know they can’t give to everyone, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling resentful. I have seen the free stuff movie stars and other celebrities get thrown at them; companies literally begging for their products to be worn by famous people, just because they know it will boost sales.
So what is the benefit to a company in supplying me with equipment? Nothing. Maybe just a photo in the local newspaper? I can’t increase their profits, so what use am I?
Logic knows all this, but then demon questions if it is actually me that’s the problem……
Time is a huge pressure; I’m ready and itching to go, to get started on these things but the barriers slow me down, stopping me in my tracks. It’s not an age thing, it’s a money thing; the longer I mess around with my stuff and not getting anywhere, the longer Kim has to support the both of us, and she is already close to burning out herself. I am at desperation level to try and do something that brings in money.
I can’t tell you the number of companies I have contacted asking for help (it is approximately 50 and counting), most never bother to reply and some send the standard ‘sorry’ response. I compare it to trying to complete a jigsaw puzzle, but all the pieces are spread out and hidden; there’s no way to start or even complete the puzzle until you have all the pieces. The question is, why keep trying to complete such an impossible puzzle.
Thankfully four companies have offered help, so let’s quit the moaning and celebrate those:
I know this probably sounds very self-centred, I just haven’t felt this restricted before; it feels as though I am now reduced to begging for things….. another blow to the mid section of the well battered self esteem.
Let’s finish on a positive by thanking those who have supported me; those who have donated their time, their hard earned money, those who have read my ramblings, and those four organisations who are helping me.
Thank you, thank you, thank you