I haven’t written in a long while because I have hit a blank. The motivation to do things either physically or mentally is zero. This blog is a feeble attempt to try and push through it, and it ain’t going well……
It is safe to say that depression has taken a firm grip of my life, and covered it with a dark veil. I feel like I am wading through treacle, every movement is a struggle, and stopping seems the obvious, easy option.
A while ago I had a lot of hope and excitement about the things I was going to do, I was going to become a freelance writer; I was going to raise loads of money for Mind; I had all the dreams, and slowly, one by one they seem to have faded to a point where there doesn’t really seem to be a point.
The journey has come to a halt, the wheels have come off and the engine has overheated…. I can’t go back and I can’t go forward, I’m just stuck. I’m not even sure of where I was trying to go to in the first place.
I created a video about my year of running and raising money for Mind because I thought it would help motivate me to get the running shoes back on but it hasn’t.
It is safe to say that depression is not just feeling sad; someone described it as drowning without being able to die….. which seems pretty accurate.
It has lasted for months, and I just don’t seem to be able to pull through it. My mind can think of something and get a bit excited, but the more I think about it the harder it gets.
I feel paralysed, as though I am too afraid to try anything, or do anything….. Is it a fear of failure? Do we reach a point where we can’t pick ourselves up anymore, can’t keep fighting?
I’m tired of this; tired of feeling trapped; tired of hitting brick walls……
The words just aren’t flowing, so I think I’m just going to stop and sit for a while…..
“Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there’s got to be a way through it.” – Michael J. Fox
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
And Breathe...... 