My Journey Dealing With Anxiety, Panic & Depression
I cannot say that I know you well
But you can’t lie to me with all these books that you sell
I’m not trying to follow you to the end of the world
I’m just trying to leave something behind
Words have come from men and mouths
But I can’t help thinking that I’ve heard the wrong crowd
When all the water is gone my job will be too
And I’m trying to leave something behind Read more
At the moment everything feels like a massive challenge. Having to make major changes to your life is bloody difficult at the best of times however, when the changes are forced and not really of your doing, it makes it even tougher to come to terms with.
I have tried to keep myself calm and relaxed by keeping busy, but I find the constant barriers I face have a really negative effect on my mood and how I feel about myself and my capabilities. The speed of progress is painfully slow and this dents my motivation to a point where I just want to sit in a dark room and watch TV.
“Sometimes, I feel like one who is on the sidelines, who has missed life itself.”
– Nelson Mandela
I feel as though the world is going on around me and I’m just stood watching. I want to get off the sidelines and into the game, but there is so much to contend with. My confidence is shot to pieces, I don’t even know if I can play the game anymore; I don’t even know what game I am meant to be playing.
The engine is seriously running out of fuel, and that’s where the treacle comes into it; just trying to do anything seems to take so much effort. Read more
As of yesterday, 5th August 2019, I am officially off the Sertraline!!!!
Wooohoooo!
The last month or so were quite difficult, with lots of ups and downs; the anxiety wasn’t too bad, it was the mood crashes which were the hardest to deal with. One moment I could be quite happy and the next my mood could plummet in the blink of an eye.
It’s hard to say if reducing the Sertraline has had an effect because I felt pretty bad even when I was on a high dose. The main contributing factor seems to be my environment and the experiences I have to confront. Read more
Monday 6th May 2019 will forever be marked as one of the greatest days of my life; the day I completed the Milton Keynes Marathon!
All the books and articles about mental health that I have read say that exercise is great therapy; walking the dog worked, but I wanted more, I wanted to lose the Homer Simpson gut that too much alcohol had given me; I also wanted to achieve something, anything.
I started running short distances because that’s all I could manage, the problem was that I had no idea how far I was going, so I decided to get a running app on my phone called ‘Map My Run’. The first recorded distance I achieved was 4.75k, which was a pretty good effort.
Motivation was a big problem for me, especially when the depression got bad; it’s easy to talk yourself out of things at the best of times, but when I hit rock bottom I just couldn’t scrape myself off the sofa. I needed a goal, something that would get me out and running. Read more
I am really struggling with the depression at the moment, I don’t feel as though I am getting anywhere, which really brings me down, I lose motivation and end up thinking ‘what’s the point?’
It’s not to say that nothing good is happening, it’s just that they seem short lived, and the negative stuff soon overwhelms the positive. Because of this I then get stressed that I am being ungrateful for the good things that are happening, and the progress I am making. It’s a vicious cycle.
The main area I am struggling with is work, and not being able to earn money. This is a big cause of the depression because it makes me feel useless and a burden. The problem I have is that I pretty much have to start a career from scratch. It is hard enough trying to change industries when you have a job, throw in some serious anxious triggers, being out of work for 3 years and a mental health disability and the options are pretty slim.
So what’s stopping me from working? Read more
