Panic – And Breathe……

Anxiously Stepping into 2020.

January 9, 2020Paul Harris

Usually I head into a new year with a level of optimism and hope, and 2019 was no exception. While I was still struggling with my mental health I had plans and ideas that I thought would change things, especially financially.

The end of 2019 was bumpy to say the least; notably, I had started level 2 of the counselling course in September, but had to give it up after three weeks because I had a complete meltdown, and couldn’t do it. I also lost my PIP benefit. Both of these had a massive impact on my mood and self confidence.

While there were successes in 2019, my overriding feelings from the year were ones of increasing frustration and failure. All the plans and goals had slipped away to nothing; I felt as though I had slipped down the mountain, past base camp and back to square one. Read more →

Getting Back Into Running.

November 2, 2019Paul Harris

Over the last couple of months I have really fallen out of love with running; I can’t really explain why, but all motivation evaporated, and I hit rock bottom with it.

Kim thought that maybe I was just tired and needed a rest; which made sense considering all the running I have done over the last few months.

While it made sense, I didn’t feel like this was the whole reason for my slump.

I put a lot of pressure on myself, and it’s this pressure that I just can’t really deal with or release. For some reason I could not run less than my normal 11km route; to do any less seemed like some sort of failure. I also had to keep around the same time despite telling myself that the time was irrelevant, especially when doing the Race At Your Pace challenges; all that matters then is the distance. Read more →

Walking into the Present……

October 30, 2019Paul Harris

“If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.” – Lao Tzu

I find that I constantly bounce between depressed and anxious; one emotion seems to feed the other until they create a monster, a vicious cycle that leads nowhere except down.

Sam Darnold, Quarterback for the New York Jets (NFL) was recently heard on the touchline during a game saying “I’m seeing ghosts!” He was not literally seeing ghosts, what he seemed to be referring to was his state of mind during the game. There was so much going on in front of him that everything was a blur, he thought he saw someone to pass to but he ended up throwing the ball into empty space, to nobody. You don’t really have to be a sports fan to understand that this is not good. Read more →

Fit For Work, Just Making it All Up?

August 22, 2019Paul Harris

When you are listening to someone talk about their mental health problems, it is always important to remember that the route cause is specific to them, it is created by their own, individual, experience.

I mention this because I am going to try and explain the reasons why I say I cannot work.

Most of what I am about to write may seem trivial to some of you, you may even have gone through something similar and don’t have a problem; if that is the case then I am very happy for you.

You may think I am just a weaker person. Read more →

Wading Through Treacle….

August 20, 2019Paul Harris

At the moment everything feels like a massive challenge. Having to make major changes to your life is bloody difficult at the best of times however, when the changes are forced and not really of your doing, it makes it even tougher to come to terms with.

I have tried to keep myself calm and relaxed by keeping busy, but I find the constant barriers I face have a really negative effect on my mood and how I feel about myself and my capabilities. The speed of progress is painfully slow and this dents my motivation to a point where I just want to sit in a dark room and watch TV.

“Sometimes, I feel like one who is on the sidelines, who has missed life itself.”

– Nelson Mandela

I feel as though the world is going on around me and I’m just stood watching. I want to get off the sidelines and into the game, but there is so much to contend with. My confidence is shot to pieces, I don’t even know if I can play the game anymore; I don’t even know what game I am meant to be playing.

The engine is seriously running out of fuel, and that’s where the treacle comes into it; just trying to do anything seems to take so much effort. Read more →