Walking into the Present……

“If you are depressed, you are living in the past.  If you are anxious, you are living in the future.  If you are at peace, you are living in the present.” – Lao Tzu

I find that I constantly bounce between depressed and anxious; one emotion seems to feed the other until they create a monster, a vicious cycle that leads nowhere except down.

Sam Darnold, Quarterback for the New York Jets (NFL) was recently heard on the touchline during a game saying “I’m seeing ghosts!”  He was not literally seeing ghosts, what he seemed to be referring to was his state of mind during the game.  There was so much going on in front of him that everything was a blur, he thought he saw someone to pass to but he ended up throwing the ball into empty space, to nobody.  You don’t really have to be a sports fan to understand that this is not good. Read more

A Big Change – Physically Great; Mentally All Over the Place……

Kim and I have recently moved from Chiswick to Henlow in Bedfordshire.  To say it is a massive move is an understatement; both of us have been in London for around 20 years, so moving to the countryside is a big change.  While I grew up in the countryside, Kim lived in Johannesburg, so the change is something she has not experienced before.

The move has been a physical and mental challenge; there were times of joy and periods of immense stress, but in general the move has been the best thing we have ever done.

We were in a 1 bedroom flat and now have a three bedroom house with a garden!  Just having space is incredible; for the first time in a long time I feel as though I can actually breathe. Read more

Time to Science the S**t out of this.

Science was never my strong point at school, and I wouldn’t say that it has been something I have been interested in since I left school; so, if you’d told me that I would be enjoying learning about some of the science behind Anxiety, Depression and Addiction, I would have laughed and shrugged it off as nonsense.

“So in the face of overwhelming odds, I’m left with only one option.  I’m going to have to science the s**t out of this.”The Martian

When I had my first panic attack I honestly believed that something had snapped in my brain (I told you I wasn’t much of a scientist); all I remember was feeling scared and broken.  During the early stages of my illness I had no idea what was going on, all I knew was that the stresses at work were causing it.

My learning started when I attended CBT through the NHS.  My therapist gave me some booklets that contained some really useful information on the basics of what was going on in my head and body, but this information only covered the tip of the iceberg. Read more

Depression and Self Blame.

What would you say if I told you that Life Loves You and the Universe wants the Best for You?

You might think I really have lost my mind, and that I’m talking a load of rubbish.

During my struggle with anxiety and depression, I would have said that the world was against me I hated myself and the universe couldn’t care less about me.

Self blame and self loathing are a big problem that people with depression have to battle, this generally stems from the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, and a general feeling of having no control in your life. Read more